Clapping Hands

Just last night, I told you that I was feeling a bit down for the whole day. Whenever I think of you darLing, my life will seem brighter and more hopeful. But sometimes, when I think of you, and about our situation, I couldn't help but be hit by a tinge of sadness.

You said, you felt like a bad girl, for being the third person in my life. That you shouldn't have stepped so far, but you just couldn't help yourself. You felt extremely bad but believed that we would be able to resolve this maturely since we are both adults.

DarLing... it takes both hands to clap. It wasn't just you, you aren't to blame at all. If there is any one to pin the blame on here, it should be me and only me. Because I too, know the consequences too well, when I realized I have such feelings for you. The better man would have stepped aside and taken the measures to avoid this. I am not the better man. I am but flawed, and flawed in so many ways that I wish you may not ever find out, for my being ashamed of it. But amidst this blemish there is perfection, like a pure white canvas and I have but only colors trying to mimic this beauty before me. The problem is, I shall never be able to produce something as white and as pure as you no matter how much I try.

Indeed there are many flaws in this, but there is also a perfection. The perfection is simply having you in my life. You are my perfection, darLing, you are...

Compulsion

He has felt lazy since the beginning of the day. Restless yet there he lay, motionless and leaning against the old creaky bed, bathing in the sensation of the cool air from the air-condition, blowing gently on the back of his naked neck.

He was alone, and it is in lonesome that he becomes most conscious of his own being, and the existence that surrounds him, near and afar. He hid himself from the external world, in that foreign room, with the old mattress that emitted a foul smell that he had loathed since the first time he stepped into the house years ago. A faint smell of decay that reminded him of neglect and all the lack of qualities of personal hygiene.

He held the book he was reading on his lap, and allowed himself to immersed into the world created by Ms. Rand. Though his eyes found each word without fail, and the words registered the meanings to his mind, his heart remained elsewhere far and away, seeking that of the girl who was oceans away.

He learnt that a continuous struggle against the compulsion of a single desire was compulsion in itself. And in these days that went, she remained his one single desire. No moment passed by without a thought of her at the back of his mind. It was a haunting, a sort of throbbing want, an obsession, a definite compulsion.

But how can he appease this hunger, he wonders, his mind now back to the reality of the room. He wonders, and wonders. Does anyone has an answer for him? Or has he the answer all this while...

Hanya Ingin Kau Tahu...

I don't know if you remember a song which I shared with you some time ago, Ling. My head was filled with it the whole morning...

Ku telah miliki
Rasa indahnya perihku
Rasa hancurnya harapku
Kau lepas cintaku

Rasakan abadi
Sekalipun kau mengerti
Sekalipun kau pahami
Ku pikir ku salah mengertimu

Aku hanya ingin kau tahu
Besarnya cintaku
Tingginya khayalku bersamamu

Tuk lalui waktu yang tersisa kini
Di setiap hariku
Di sisa akhir nafas hidupku

Walaupun semua hanya ada dalam mimpiku
Hanya ada dalam anganku
Melewati hidup

Rasakan abadi
Sekalipun kau mengerti
Sekalipun kau pahami
Ku pikir ku salah mengertimu

Aku hanya ingin kau tahu
Besarnya cintaku
Tingginya khayalku bersamamu

Tuk lalui waktu yang tersisa kini
Di setiap hariku
Di sisa akhir nafas hidupku

...

I forwarded this song to you last November, 26th to be exact. How time flies. I was breezing through our emails for a bit today. I couldn't help but keep smiling to myself. You may not ralise that you have just brightened my day here. Thanks darLing...

Happy Valentine's Day

I have a confession to make.

Since that day your first mail dropped into my inbox, I never thought any further than you and I being friends.

We only met during wedding reception dinners of our mutual friends before. You always seem to be sitting across from me, on the same table. Did you know, that your radiance never failed to catch my eyes. It must have been those eyes of yours that danced in the dim lighting of the hall, and your smile that intoxicated all living things around you. And I couldn't help but think to myself, wouldn't I be so lucky if I can get to know you. Ok ok, what I was really thinking was, lucky bastard... that date of yours sitting beside you.

Heh...

I would have invited you for a drink, but for the courtesy of my date then, who is very easily green-eyed, I discarded the thought. Yet, two hundred and six days after that very first letter, here I am, finding myself in a new blog, writing, feeling, thinking of you.

I know... I can't share my life with you, not right now, least to say. Hence, I want to create something; something dedicated entirely to you, only you. Something... that just doesn't last for a day, or two, or even weeks. No no... I intend to do this until the very last day of my existence. Gosh, I can really be overly dramatic? Perhaps one day reality should bore its weight upon us, breaking the bubble I am floating in now, sending me straight to the ground, mercilessly. But right now, honestly, I don't really care. Right now, all I have is that edgy, yearning desire in my heart. For you.

So I thought, wouldn't it be perfect if I can present this to you as a gift on Valentine's Day. Of course, I risk the possibility of you scorning back at me thinking what a total miser I am. Blogspot as a gift? Doesn't Google give it out for free, I can almost hear you say under your breath. Haha... perhaps. Who knows, maybe one day, long after I descended the stairs of the underworld, this piece of literary crap I am writing here may find its way to the reading community. I am not kidding, if ever this thing generates any sort of goodness other than your reading pleasure, I hereby declare all benefits be yours.

So here I am, my darLing, I open myself to you. Into these pages, I pour my thoughts, I surrender my hopes, my ups and downs, and nothing else but my love to you. Oh wait... is this love? I don't know, to tell you the truth. I really don't know. I have fallen in love before so many times I think I am either numb or confused by the notion of it. Is it just a concept, nurtured by man to justify the feeling of fondness towards another, or just a raw emotion of desire and lust? Maybe it is both, or neither. What I do know, is this pounding sensation in the cavity of my chest, lifting me higher and higher everytime I think of you, flaming the desire to be near you, to bathe in the presence of you.

Happy Valentine's Day, my darLing. \('¤')/

Waterfalls

Like a waterfall, she flows and goes along with the flows of the people in her life...